short update
It's been a little longer since I posted than I meant for it to be. Oops.
Things are generally going okay, although I've been having a heck of a time with depression lately. I don't know why, but there are times where I feel so overwhelmed with everything I feel I could just die and not even care. That's really not like me. I've mentioned before some of my theories as to why this is happening (ldn having messed up my chemical balance, etc.), so I won't do it again right now. However, I do think the main reason is that occasionally it strikes me that I'm ill with this, and lately has been one of those times.
Another problem I've been having is that I get so aggravated with people! I have generally been a very patient person since my daughter was born...thank goodness for her, because I didn't like being impatient like I was. Now, though, I feel like some people just waste my time and I resent it. I think that is also due to my recent reawareness of my illness. I really don't want to spend time with people I don't like or who are jerks or insensitive. And perhaps that's a good thing anyway. But it does seem to cause me to be much more frustrated than necessary sometimes.
As far as my illness, I have noticed a very significant increase in the weakness in my legs. I'm also starting to fall a lot more again. Which just sucks. And of course, those things are adding to my depression and anxiety as well. I'm so afraid of this illness, to tell you the truth.
One thing I am starting to do is to let people know that I am having trouble with my emotions. It seems I get very depressed, very stressed...very any emotion. I can't seem to control it very well at all. Part of that is actually a part of my illness, and I think part of it is due to me not having as much success with my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications. One bad thing about telling people is that occasionally they are very insensitive about it...like pointing out different times I have acted not like myself and then carrying on about it. I KNOW I'm not acting myself...that's why I'm telling them. *sigh*
I will definitely post later today or tomorrow as I have more I'd like to talk about, and expand a little on some of what's going on. However, duty calls!
much better day than expected
I survived yesterday. In fact, in some ways it was a great day! Most importantly in the scope of life, Lisa got off work a little earlier than normal (okay, a lot earlier for her...it was only a bit after 5:00 hahaha) and we had a very nice evening. We really haven't seen each other lately, and it was nice for us to be able to talk and have a nice dinner together.
I was pretty depressed yesterday, but eventually I got around to golfing. I played at my home course but I didn't know of anyone to golf with because the few people I would have asked had already played, and one was working. Anyway, I finally broke 80! I shot a 78, and I was even after the first nine holes. (I would have been one under, if I hadn't blown a two foot putt because I was so excited...hahaha) I won't bore you with all the details because (A), I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear it, and (B) it's not like I'm going to forget it! Wow...a 78.
I will say that I went out to finish my round and my adrenalin was so high I was booming the ball past the holes. I bogeyed 10 and double bogeyed 11. And of course then I was pretty upset, because I thought I wouldn't even be able to break 80 even after such a good front nine. I know I have to plan on just bogeying at best the last four or five holes because of the fatigue and spasms with my illness get so bad. The neat thing is that Lisa called while I was waiting to hit my second shot on 12 and said she was coming over. She was there by my second shot on 13....so that was really nice. It was really cool to have company, and it was nice to have her there.
I realized yesterday that why the 22nd was that huge to me wouldn't make sense to most people. The chance of playing Crooked Stick was like the best birthday, Christmas present, whatever that I could have ever had. I could live the rest of my life without another gift. So like Bill pointed it, it was sort of like having this great birthday party planned and then nobody showed up. That was a great analogy.
Another good thing is that now that the 22nd has passed I can move on better, I think.
Well, I need to head to the golf course...a couple of gals from my home course asked if I wanted to play with them today, and I'm pretty excited to have company!
it's finally May 22nd
I'll keep it pretty short...you all have suffered enough! hahaha
After two months of calendar watching for this date, it's now the 22nd. Today is the day I was supposed to be playing Crooked Stick. The dumbest thing is that I kept thinking something would happen and I'd have some great surprise and still get to play there today or something. Or that some great surprise of playing another great course would happen for me today. I don't know why I do that. It's pretty counterproductive for my mental health...but then again, maybe that's how I get managed to get through until today.
You want to hear something even more odd? When I woke up this morning, I was thinking about the first hole there. And then I managed to go through my head to each hole in correct sequence (although I had to go back on one of them) and it's layout. I thought that was pretty amazing since I was there back in September and haven't seen a map of the course since then. As I was lying there, I was thinking about how that's the first time I've done that. Throughout the length of time that I thought I was playing there, I never did it. I just thought of the course as a whole, and of the clubhouse. But it was also odd (well, I guess not really, huh) that it seemed like the thought of the course layout even woke me up.
I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty rough day. But I'll get through it...I've done tougher stuff than this, although right now I don't know what was besides finding out I was ill. That day was worse. Maybe when the calendar changes tomorrow, I'll feel better because it's past.
horrible day
I don't know where to start. The rain finally let up, thank goodness. I played one day last week and got seriously rained on and then hailed on some. And kept playing. I had to laugh, because as I was trekking across this fairway clutching these two clubs I reminded myself of the priest in Caddyshack! But the sun did come back out fairly quickly after that...LOL. Oh well.
Friday started out awful. I woke up extremely early and was so upset and stressed about so many things that I couldn't get back to sleep. Lisa did help a lot, though, by getting some stuff done for me that I really needed. I worked some, and then immediately had to switch gears to play a nine hold round as the gals got there early. I shot a great round, only three over par on nine holes! I think it was because some of my stress was better and I just was hitting the ball well. It's amazing how some days I have great touch and can tell exactly how hard to hit a pitch shot, etc., and then the next day I can't figure it out for the life of me.
Yesterday was a rollercoaster...mostly going downhill. I woke up early so I could play in the dreadful ladies league at my old club. I got everything done way ahead of time and planned on getting there 45 minutes early. I got dressed last, and noticed that some of the color on this shirt (I had only worn it once) had run. I kept looking and decided because of the pattern it wouldn't be very noticeable. So off I toddled to the golf course. I went in and bought my 25 round pass. While waiting for that to get cleared, this gal walked up to me and asked me to forgive her. She said that she was making out the member list for the little booklets she gave out and just saw (insert Lisa's full name here) and for some reason deleted it from the member rolls that she was given! (emphasis hers) So I said, that's okay, and I felt a little puzzled as Lisa isn't a member so of course the was deleted. I said hi to a few of the gals, then immediately got a cart and loaded up. I was not going to get stuck with the witchy woman from two weeks ago again. I practiced my putting some while I waited for us to start, and then pulled up. Next thing you know, the same woman from before said that she didn't have anyone riding with her, so I should load up my bag onto her cart and park the one I have. Which to be fair, is what we're supposed to do. You double up on carts as it's stupid to have three carts for a foursome. I went from feeling pretty darn good about things (although slightly nervous) to royally pissed. To not be in the same cart or the same foursome with that woman is why I went there so early! So I loaded up and started stretching again. The woman who had apologized to me earlier was also to be in my foursome and I know from experience that this is either a very good or very bad thing. She's very outspoken, so if I'm feeling pretty confident, she's no problem. If I'm feeling at all insecure, she can bug me. But I was more mad getting stuck with my cart partner again than anything else, so I thought it's not a big deal. Then she called me Lisa, another gal corrected her, and she said "I do that all the time!" At this point I realized that perhaps when talking to me she actually meant me, but I decided I wouldn't worry about it. But everyone had their own little booklets but me. (Apparently they were handed out while I was putting.)
Anyway, the day goes on and I'm not playing that well, but I figure under the circumstances it's not that horrible...and better than the last time. This is why one should never take fast acting Xanax. You have deluded sense of not being bothered...and to a large degree you just don't care. I took it on top of my long acting dose while driving there because I suddenly felt very panicky. Anyway, I start noticing that the gal in my cart was cheating on her score again...and keeping her own score, which isn't right. The women in the other cart should be keeping ours and we should be keeping theirs. Her cheating is her problem, not mine, but I really resented her having a two stroke better score than I did on a hole that we played identically. Long run, due to handicaps, she's just hurting herself by making her handicap too low. Anyway, obviously the Xanax was wearing off because now the fact that my cart partner kept calling me either Carol or Lisa, and the apologizing woman kept calling me Lisa, was really getting on my last nerve. This was about the same time that the apologizing woman gave me her booklet to keep when I mentioned I didn't have one when the gals were carrying on about it. I opened it up, and surprise surprise, I wasn't listed. That wouldn't matter, except if anyone wants to play with me for tournaments, they don't have my number to call me. So in fact she deleted Catherine, not Lisa. And she said "I hope you don't mind my name on the cover" and I said "why should I, I've been called every other name today but my own, I might as well be XXXXXX." That was stupid on my part too, as they then called me Connie, Carol, Carolyn, Lisa, Catherine (Catherine always last, which they continually pointed out) the rest of the day. Then the outspoken gal noticed the ink on my shirt had run. So that had to be pointed out too.
We finally got to the 16th hole. My cart partner asked me to run the cart over to hand off a headcover that had been dropped by the group in front of us while she hit her shot. So I did, and it belonged to a woman I knew fairly well. And what was the first thing out of her mouth? "When I saw you in the cart with her, I felt so bad after what happened last time. Are you doing okay?" Odd thing to say, since the only person at the entire course I had mentioned last time to was a friend of mine. So obviously that story had been told over and over again, although I asked the person to keep it in confidence. So my response was "Yes, (local woman) XXXX is still god, I still don't know how to golf, and my home course still sucks." The only good thing about that was that apparently my cart partner overheard, so she was passably pleasant (and screwed up every shot afterward *evil grin*) the rest of the way.
So basically my entire day was spent being told how to play, being called Lisa's name, hearing how important Lisa is and what a great time she was probably having at the track right now, and being teased like I was in middle school or something. *rolling eyes*
After playing the friend I had told in confidence about my experience asked if I wanted to go out for a drink with her and the other gal who had repeated the story. I said no, because I needed to go to work. She seemed incredulous that I'd be working on a Saturday. I work at a golf course, for goodness sakes. When does she think I work? She seemed very adamant to speak to me, but cart woman wasn't going anywhere until she dropped me off at my car and at that point I was grateful.
Yes, I know this has been long. So I'll wrap up my day, as it's fairly easy. I went to the course I work at and they didn't need me. The last thing I needed was not being needed...I already felt that. The beverage cart girl had to leave, but for whatever reason (even though I have a bartender's license and we're about the same age) they didn't need me to do that. I'm not cute enough anymore, I guess, or my hair is too short or something. That was a stupid move, as a dog could sell beer at a golf course on a Saturday. Courtney works there, and showed up a few minutes late which got on my nerve as she's been late every day she's worked there. I sat outside for a bit and realized that this one woman at the other course probably also posted my score, thinking I wouldn't because it was so bad. Because it isn't transmitted for a week, it will screw up my scores because it may get sent for handicaps before I can delete it. Honestly, I was hoping somebody would have something for me to do. I was utterly miserable. They didn't so I went home. I thought about trying to meet up with my friend and the gal who repeated the story to me for a drink, but decided I couldn't deal with that either.
Lisa apparently had a very good time. I had to head to my parents to see my sister for her graduation (another thing, but I won't go there) but by then I was hurting so badly I could hardly see. I came home and put my feet on the heating pad because they hurt so badly. And I was angry and upset and hurt the rest of the night.
Sorry about the length, but I guess it is my blog so I can do that. And I think this is the point where I should mention that a big part of my problem was and is that I started falling down--badly--again yesterday at the golf course. I haven't fallen that often or that easily in a very long time. I'm afraid the good effects I got from ldn might have started to wear off quickly, as I've gotten significantly weaker lately.
I guess I really am good about talking around a particularly bothersome problem, but the stuff I did lay out was extremely upsetting as well.
tired of the rain
I know I shouldn't complain of rain right now when the Northeast is flooding and Florida is in a drought, but damn am I tired of it! It's been raining since Wednesday afternoon, and I feel like I've been cooped up forever. The first day, even day and a half was okay, as I had a lot to catch up on (including writing here), but it just won't quit! And I really felt like my golf game was coming together, so I definitely didn't want to have to stop playing right now. The weather forecast is calling for rain all through this week as well. Yuck.
Of course I tend to ache a lot when it rains and it's cold like this, so that's not helping either. And today I've been all out of whack because I forgot my morning meds, so I've really been dragging. I sure can tell when I haven't taken my Provigil, that's for sure. By the time I realized for sure I had forgotten them, it was too late in the day to get caught back up. Hopefully I'll at least get that straightened out sometime tomorrow. And I didn't sit under my lamp that helps with the depression nor did I exercise. I really screwed this day up! Although to be honest, as far as exercising, I don't think I can unless I'm up on my meds. There isn't enough energy in me to do it. It's hard enough expending the energy to stay awake and keep walking, to be totally honest. And you know, that probably didn't help my mood today either. It's very wearing.
Unfortunately, Courtney was gone again this year for Mother's Day, which was a little disappointing. I knew she would be, but I guess part of me was hoping she'd come back today from her trip to her dad's/camping. I don't know why I do that, when I know the odds were almost nil on stuff like that. Probably just wishful thinking. Oh well.
There really hasn't been a lot going on with me. I just feel grumpy today. I was so tired today, I wasn't in a very good mood and it seemed like everything was a chore or got on my nerves. I did go and buy a pair of rain pants to golf in, but I still need to get a jacket and it's going to have to at least stop raining for a little bit so the course can dry up some. And I've been worried about Leslie, as her health problems aren't getting better like I was hoping they would by now. So that's really bothering me and is on my mind a lot. I guess it's just not been a great day.
All I can do is get up tomorrow and try to have a better day. I just feel so out of whack. But it will get better, I'm sure.
yep, I'm still here
I can't express how glad I am to say that the bad effects of the ldn seem to have finally ended. I'm still moving around pretty well, although I find do get tired very easily. As much as it helped my walking, it sure screwed up everything else. Including that I have had to deal with my RSD pain daily since sometime during my treatment with the ldn, and that's something I didn't need on top of everything else.
I hadn't written here for a bit due to having so much going on...and a personal thing I needed to let pass so I wouldn't write about it. That and I just end up so tired at the end of the day, it's hard to feel up to writing.
I won't go into huge detail, but I am finding that lately I've been letting people get under my skin in the worst way. Not that in many cases I wouldn't be annoyed, but it seems I'm really letting them effect me. A quick example was my golf pairing in the tournament last week at my old course. The gal I rode with was really driving me nuts with some stuff (and was cheating on her score), and I really let it get to me. In fact, I had the worst score since the year I started golfing. It was awful. The good thing is that I'm recognizing this is happening not that long after it's over, but it is really upsetting. I know I'm letting it happen, yet I keep doing it. I find myself really annoyed with liars, cheaters, hateful people, people who are lazy, people who act stupid, etc. And I know that means I'm making judgments about people, and that's wrong. (Except for the cheating, because I could SEE that, both on Saturday and on Monday at another event.) I don't know for sure what's going on with me. I guess maybe I'm easily irritated, which is something I thought I had a better handle on.
The biggest problem, I think, is that I'm having a horrible time dealing with things that I perceive to be unfair. I'm sure that my illness plays a huge role in that feeling, but this is ridiculous. Things generally aren't fair. I've always had a problem with that but it seems that now, rather than just get mad and get over it, I just let it fester. I do get mad (to myself), but then I go right back to stewing over it. It's gotten to the point where I often feel frustrated because of it. I have no idea where this whole issue is coming from. I just pray it ends soon. There are times I just feel like I could explode if it all adds up anymore.
One of the best days I've had in forever was this past Sunday. I had gone to work at the course because I hadn't worked on Saturday. The thing that was so great about it was how well I dealt with things. I felt on top of stuff, even though I was massively busy, I got things done, and I even was able to anticipate what needed to be done ahead of time, which really helped. My concentration has been so poor, that was the first time I have been able to do that! We were totally slammed, and for quite awhile there was just three of us working. But I did it! And it felt good that I could see and really feel that I had accomplished something good. I guess it felt great because it felt like it did back when I could work. I actually loved to work, so not being able to has been really hard. So that was a great day!
My golf is coming along. I had a bad week, but things are improving. I did notice, however, that so far I've only played a total of seven rounds all year! I am at the course a lot, and try to practice quite a bit, but I was surprised at how little I've played. I'm going to have to change that around big time if I want to drop my handicap. It looks like it's already starting to lower, but I need to get a lot more rounds in and do it a lot more often. I've made some notes of what I need to work on, but I think that's how I'm going to work it from now on. I'll play, and from that see what needs work. I can spend some time practicing those things the following day, and then play the next day. I realize how tired I'm going to get...and am getting. Late yesterday afternoon I laid down and slept off and on for 12 hours. I guess I'm just going to have to adjust to sleeping a lot more. My body needs a lot more complete rest than I would have thought.
Another thing I wanted to mention is that I've been thinking over whether or not to start a second blog to write about my golf. I've decided against it, because the two overlap each other so much. How well I play, and the
reason it is so very important to me that I play, is directly related to my illness. Hell, I don't know that I even
can separate them.
If you're wondering, yes, I'm still bummed about turning the organization down regarding playing Crooked Stick. I don't know that I realized how much I was focusing on it. I still look at the calendar each day and immediately count how many days until the 22nd, the day I was to play there. I don't mean to do it, I just had been doing it so long it became a habit. I know I made the right decision, but I sure wish I could play there.
I have a ton more to catch up on, but I'm just too tired to write more today. But yes, I'm still alive and kicking, even if it did take me forever between posts!
busy, busy
Nope, I didn't disappear. :) I've been trying to stay focused! hahaha!
Yesterday I signed up with the women's league at the course I work at, and at the ladies league at the course I used to be a member at. The courses (and the people) comparatively are like apples and oranges, so it will be good for me to play at both of them. I also have three tournaments so far that I definitely want to sign up for...and can right away. There is always the money issue, but I have been sort of choosing which tournaments are the best fit for me so it's not a waste of time.
I've been working a lot, but I really enjoy it. It's nice being out on the course all the time. And this is certainly as close as I'm ever going to get to owning one. Today there is a golf outing there, so it will keep me pretty busy. I've also played quite a bit too. On Monday I played with Lisa and a fellow I met at the course. I felt I shot a decent score, which ended up being 14 over par. The good thing is that I know that four of my strokes were due to bad choices on my part, so those will be easy to eliminate. I need to learn to make better decisions regarding risk/reward shots. I have a natural tendency to go for the low score, even though there is a lot of risk. I am better about that now, but I need to work on this in particular. That and my putting. As the effects of the ldn wears off, I am back to having jerking in my hands and arms. Since it's not constant, I need to be sure to make those putts that are there when I'm not having it. When I am spasming, it's easy for me to miss a short putt. I can't get even get the putter set on the ground facing where I want. But all in all, I'm improving, and that's what is important. I haven't practiced as much as I need to this week, but there has been so much going on I haven't had as much of a chance.
I also find that I pick up more regarding how to play the more I'm out there. It's hard to explain, but as I walk across greens, drive alongside fairways, etc., it's teaching me to keep an eye out for the entire hole, and for certain specific things. Like target areas, and avoiding certain spots. And that will work no matter what course I'm at. I'm extremely course conscious now. Of course, I also wonder exactly how close I would come to being diagnosed as obsessive compulsive if a psychiatrist saw me out there...LOL. I get teased a lot because I can't stand to have a single piece of trash on the course, but I don't really mind. I'm doing better at when I'm there to play, not practice, I can just ignore a lot of things that need done. Not perfect, but better.
I was alone out on the course working yesterday, as more things needed done at each green. It's been giving me a lot of time to think about my illness. I don't know what's going on with it. I know it's there, but I am amazed at how keeping focused can eliminate a lot of negative thought about it. I'm also pretty shocked at how well I'm doing. (Although the beauty of being so busy and so tired is that it's hard to pay attention to when I can't hardly move.) I've also had a strong sense the last two days that I'm not going to die from this. I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel. I don't know if it's a form of denial or what, but there it is.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I just called Lisa and asked her to get in touch with the program that fulfills wishes for terminally ill people. My illness being as weird as it is, I can't say with proof positive I'm going to die from it until I'm way too sick to think about playing golf. I have asked her withdraw my request. Of course, part of me is feeling this is so not fair. Especially now that I've called her. hahaha But the gift has some problems to start with. To accept it means to accept me being terminal. And I realize I can't do that.
Now I just have to figure out how to play Crooked Stick. Since it's member-only (but one could bring a guest) this is going to be tough. I'll use the six degrees of separation model. I think I'm three degrees away. I can probably find someone who knows someone who knows a member there, but that sure isn't going to get me on the course. So how on earth do I accomplish this goal? Right now it feels pretty impossible.
By the way, I'm also currently noticing that I'm still overly emotional. Damn ldn! It's not like someone just shot my puppy, but I feel that sad. I just need to focus, like I said before. It will pass.
